I hate performing badly at a feis. So many hours of work and preparation go into about 10 total minutes of dancing on stage, and if I screw it up I feel like the ultimate failure. How, after a year (or sometimes more) of dancing the same steps do I suddenly end up
making up the ending of my slip jig and fudging around trying to do the same thing on the left leg to salvage the dance?
That didn’t happen last weekend. What happened last weekend was actually worse: feeling like you nailed your dances, then still placing poorly. Just not being a good enough dancer really feels worse than accidentally messing up, because all your excuses are out the window.
My fiancé actually attended this feis, which was wonderful until my angry breakdown at awards. I was having a great time dancing, talking with my fellow competitors backstage, arriving early enough to watch some of my favorite youngins compete, and just having my fiancé around for only the second time ever (due to ongoing work conflicts). The only dances I felt bad about were the hornpipe, in which I ran out of steam at the end, and my traditional set which was new and I wasn’t expecting to place in anyway.
The verdict at awards? No placing in the reel, no moving up my hard shoe dances. A couple fourths and a fifth out of seven dances.
Disappointing, though my lovely fiancé tried to cheer me up by saying I did dance well, it was just a very high level of competition, and describing how much better I was than the one other time almost 3 years ago he saw me dance. So, disappointment aside, I’m at least happy to have placed in the reel special (though not in the actual competition why?) and go to pick up my medals.
Just kidding – they’ve run out of medals and I’m supposedly going to receive mine in the mail. Great. At least I have the awards for the special to look forward to, because I like getting trophies and being in an actual award presentation rather than just picking up medals at a table.
Just kidding again – after waiting for about an hour for the awards to be called, I finally get frustrated and go to ask about it. Apparently I missed the presentation (when? I went straight there after competitions were finished, they never did present my competition and I know it) and only first place received a trophy for some bizarre reason, so I got a crappy medal and an apology. At that point all the frustration came out. We always tell the kids having fun competing is all that matters, but deep down it is a competition, we all want to win, and I want to finally get my butt into prelim.
Of course, the only way to do that is to get over it and improve. Same old story in the judges comments with turnout and staying up off my heels being the key feedback. I have a couple more weeks until classes start again, so I’m buckling down and focusing on getting the strength and muscle memory to make that technique autopilot so I don’t have to confuzzle my brain trying to remember both steps and technique. My next feis will be October 1, which is plenty of time to “get good”.
On a more positive note, I’m happy with my new look: dress, hair accessory, and I debuted a new wig. And not attending alone means I finally got some feis pictures.
And a final pick-me-up, because I need to remind myself that this isn’t all impossible. Backstage we were joking that in a combined single jig comp the youngest age (11) would probably be the winner, rather than us older folk. I mentioned I was probably the worst dancer in a class full of 8 to 12 year olds, and one of the other girls exclaims, “But you’re such a good dancer!” That pretty much made my year!